After years of climbing small personal mountains by moving to Germany, learning the language and getting back into the workforce, I think I’ve reached a plateau of sorts where the hurdles become less extraordinary and life and its challenges have become relatively ‘normal’ again. For a long time my goals were a focused few: get there and stay there (ie visa, language, job, overall: survive).

These all seemed big enough at the time that I wasn’t sure that I’d ever achieve them, so I spent little time and energy looking beyond them to plan for the ‘now what?’ part that comes after. But here I am more or less (still here, still foreign), and now that I have built the foundations for a life over here, I’m realizing that I now have to move forward and actually live it.

Some relocations, one that happened and one that didn’t, also had gotten in the way of me getting serious about long term plans for anything other than being ready to pick up stakes and move. Now we’ve gone and done that move, landed in Nberg, and here I am with no more excuses to not start thinking about the next moves for me.

*crickets*

{thinking…}

(My) Expat Guide to sticking it out (beta v 1.2)

The seventh of 10 ( + 2) bits of advice on how to get the hell out there and not come running straight back.

There are plenty of expats I meet who are abroad are on a two-year company plan. They take pictures, write nice letters to the folks, collect their money and go home. They don’t have the drive to integrate themselves; the plan has always been just for an extended visit. The interested ones learn some language anyway, but most stop at the menu/street sign level. That’s enough for their needs.

Even if you fit into that general category, there’s an important communication skill you also need to master.

7. Learn how to effectively communicate

Wait a minute. Didn’t I already tell you twice (1,2) during this line of advice to learn some local language? Yes. I did. And now I am telling you that’s not all there is to communication.

Learning a language is hard. It takes time and a lot of effort. If you’re like me – and most other Americans – you’ll balk at the idea that you have to become fluent. You’ll try and convince yourself that it’s not necessary. You’ll look for blogs and books that will tell you that you don’t have to. Besides, everyone speaks English or is trying to learn it, right?  What’s wrong with speaking it then?

If you’re in an international working environment English will still likely be one of the strongest shared languages. Your English ability is an advantage. That is, if you – and I mean YOU – can use it right.

Before you start commenting that I’ve just contradicted myself, let me re-stress my opinion on the local language: Even if your main reason for going abroad is love or money, moving abroad means living in and becoming part of another culture. That’s the point. And learning the language is the key to achieving this. In my opinion, if you don’t want to do this, you’ll probably be happier staying at home.

Having said that, there are plenty of people who have lived abroad and not learned to speak a word. My favorite example is a man I met in the consulate once who boasted that he’d lived over 40 years in Germany, married a German, raised kids and grandkids and still couldn’t read a menu. I didn’t understand why that made him proud, nor could I understand how he could stand being so clueless about his surroundings, but that was his choice and he’d obviously made it work.

Now, if you’re raising your hand and saying, “I think that’s me too!”, my advice to you is this:

Simple English is a skill that no Expat should be without.

Yes, almost all Germans speak at least some English. For some jobs it is still an advantage that you are a native speaker, but in most cases it’s only a plus. There are also many versions of English and most of them are not easily understood by non-native speakers. (This is something I am reminded of every time I try can have phone conversations with my colleagues in India or am writing emails to Japan.)

You can get more mileage out of your native language abilities if you can show yourself to be an ‘international’ English speaker.

What does that mean?

Lose or tone down a strong accent – Get rid of the twang, dropped h’s or whatever and channel your inner-newscaster, if you want to reach a broad audience.

Speak clearly and a tick slower than normal (but not super “ya’ll-speak-A-mer-i-can?” slow). Annunciate. – It’s not a race, don’t try and slip your words by them, lay them out in plain view.

Speak in Hemingway sentences – I love complicated run-on sentences. I get this from my lawyer dad who even at home will structure what he says in a way that packs maximum information, back-story, segues, detours and narratives into his sentences before tacking the subject/point/question at the end. This is good in a court room, but bad in the conference call or cocktail party. You will quickly lose your foreign audience on such long windy narrative paths and also bore and/or piss them off. Don’t do this. My Dad made me read The Old Man and the Sea to learn how to break thoughts down into short, concise, clear sentences. Do whatever works for you. A good rule of thumb is if you can’t say it in one breath, you need to say it differently.

Adopt a vocabulary free of bullshit bingo and scrabble words and your worth will rise – I’ve had colleagues here who have never grasped the fact that no one could understand them or their emails. If they had just dropped the colloquial terms, the slang, the baseball terminology (ballpark figure, batting for the same team, etc) and spoken in plain, simple English, they could have spared everyone, including themselves, a tremendous amount of frustration.

Take this advice to heart if you’re going to stick with just your native tongue abroad. English as a language is useless if you can’t communicate well. Knowing the difference between your dialect and the international version can get you a lot further.

Since I’ve kept my job in Munich (for now) and I’m only allowed to do 50% home office , I now have Fridays off.

This is a mixed blessing as, along with the free time and the long weekends, I still have a husband who has to get up and out the door on Fridays and as this SUCKS, I do get reminded. (Like when I try and get him up after the 5th time hitting snooze. I’ve learned not to take this course of action. Although it does get him going, it’s in a decidedly wrong direction, mood-wise).

Otherwise, a four-day work week is plain old FUCKING AWESOME. It’s the perfect balance between work and play. I will try to enjoy it as long as it lasts (which won’t be too much longer). Everyone should try this at least once.

Very important for someone living in Germany: it means you get to do some of that stuff you otherwise would be forced to cram into your Saturday because Germany is still, almost everywhere, on the “housewife plan”. Meaning that all stores have opening hours that assume you have a wifey sitting at home just waiting to run all those errands before it gets all un-Godly late at like, I dunno, 5:30 or so. For working people to get anything domestic done during the week, you almost have to take an afternoon off.

Have you seen the down side to this though? Yeah. It does mean that I have to do all those errands. So my free day becomes this guilt thing I have to make up for by running domestic errands because unlike SOME people, I am lucky enough to have the time.

So, so far at least, I haven’t managed to have even one of those lazy luxurious Fridays where I put on a beauty mask, take a bubble bath and give myself a pedicure. (What? That’s not selfish if you don’t do it all the time.)

I’m also doing more housework than I’m accustomed to* because for several complex reasons (and a few simple ones like being lazy or having no time depending on how you look at it) we still haven’t gotten a cleaning lady. I’m cautious on this topic because although 1) at 80% salary, I admittedly earn less, and 2) I have more time, 3) I really suck at cleaning and 4) I get really grumpy when things aren’t done right although for some reason I can’t for the life of me do it right myself. I also don’t want us to spend the time we have together doing stuff like this. So I’m theoretically saving us time and money now by more of the cleaning myself, but I don’t do a great job and end up really grumpy and pissed off about it.

Plus, I have this “housewife” issue. I don’t want to feel that I am one. There I said it. Hate me. I have power issues and am not cool with anything that makes me feel surrendered. And housework does that. Don’t get me wrong, I do my share, but once things progress past the point where the other person no longer feels like they have to thank you for doing it and it just becomes one of the obvious parts of ‘your job or share of the work around here’, I get allergic**.

But until we get a cleaning lady, I am still doing understudy work, so I do little things to keep the hives at bay and remind myself that this is not permanently my new role. A week or so before we went on vacation Oliver came home early to find me in slim black cigarette pants, peep-toe high heels and a sassy halter-top apron, vacuum cleaner in one hand, gimlet in the other.

My thought was, ‘why not let housework be an opportunity to flaunt gender roles by taking the stereotype to the extreme by pulling a June Cleaver and break in my new shoes at the same time?’

It worked like a charm, so I made a ThisNext list about it. My apron of choice is not available right now, but there’s plenty of others to choose from:

And now that I’ve wasted a few good hours of my Friday complaining telling you about it, I’ve got to get back to cleaning and errands. TGIF everyone!

*(see I am being very careful not to say that I am doing most or close to all of it because SOMEONE else sometimes cleans the kitchen, pushes the occasional mop, but never empties the dishwasher…anyway)

** Oliver is also on the record not wanting me immersed in domestic duties, at least not any more than he is, because we BOTH suck and these are the kinds of things best left up to the professionals. I concur darling… I so do.

I just happened to be browsing* the blog at  ThisNext, the social shopping site where I started putting up lists about two years ago and was (at first totally and then pleasantly) surprised to see my Oktoberfest picks staring back at me. Hey now, if I’d known I’d be a contender for recognition, I would have put a leettle more thought into my punctuation.

Meh. Ah well. Still, it’s nice to be recognized, no?

To see the post in its full glory so you can be astounded all over again, click on the pic above. I suggest quickly moving on since O’Fest is over and have a browse through my list on pasties. Christmas is coming faster than you think and there’s a Santa’s Helper pair in there! Jingle Bells for everyone!

*full disclosure: this is not true. I was snooping. Their intern wrote me just before my vacation last month asking me if I’d submit an interview for their blog. The questions I got included a haiku request. This is not the normal thing I would jump at doing, but I feel challenged to swallow my skepitcal pride and give it a whirl.  I needed to see what the others have done first, of course.

(My) Expat Guide to sticking it out (beta v 1.2)

Part six of 10 ( + 2) bits of advice on how to survive the transition without throwing in the towel.

You, the American in Germany, smile at someone on the street and get a blank stare in return. You offer small talk to your cashier and get no response. You think you’re doing a good job but your boss just tells you how he didn’t like your presentation, in extreme detail. You often tell your colleague how good she looks and she’s only asked you once if you’re ill because you look like hell.

What the hell is wrong with these people?

6. Germans are stiff and seemingly unfriendly.

Assuming for a moment that you’re with a German partner or have been to Germany on occasion, you then should know at least a bit about the cultural differences between Germany and Americans. Specifically, the fact that they are blunt as spoons.

I can say that for Americans, German directness crosses over into rudeness. They do not, as a rule, pad or soften a statement with a compliment like we usually do. This can shock the hell out of an unprepared American who comes over used to having a lot of smiles and unsolicited compliments thrown at them in the course of casual conversation.

I see it as boiling down to a whole other concept of sincerity. Germans aren’t good on subtle hints, hidden clues, softened criticism, etc. Instead, they have a no-shit attitude to communication. This means that if they are upset, they say so instead of saying that they’re “less than thrilled” and leaving you to put two and two together. I found this startling at first but then, with a little time, refreshingly easy to understand. When Americans give criticism, we will start with a positive statement and then follow-up with the negative. Germans will cut to the chase. This can take your breath away as an American the first few times it happens

This sincerity rule by the way also applies to smiles, small talk and over-friendly attitudes towards strangers. A German friend summed it up once, saying that if there was no reason to smile at a stranger on the street (puppy, cute baby, funny hat), to do so anyway would be akin to dishonesty or lying, and why would he want to be so rude as to lie to someone? Small talk, being overly friendly and the like seem insincere, which is dishonest, which is rude. I found that really interesting.

In the US we have many grades of friends: casual friends, good friends, close friends, best friends, etc. We’ll call someone we met twice a “friend”. Hell, once is often enough (don’t want to seem unfriendly now, do we?).  Being a “friend” of an American doesn’t necessarily mean at lot. Unless someone throws in a qualifier (My best friend), then you’re just a person they think is nice and would consider possibly one day being really good friends with, but until then you’re in a ginormous pool with everyone else who isn’t actively objectionable.

My interpretation of it over here is: What a German would call a friend is what an American would call a great or very close friend and everyone below that is an acquaintance. On the plus side, when you actually become friends with a German, they really mean it and take it very seriously.

There are other things also lost in translation. It might be a California thing, but one thing we often do is tell people, “let’s have coffee sometime”, or “let’s meet for a drink” even though we have no real intention of actually doing so. It’s understood by both that this probably won’t happen; it’s just a way of being nice. This is very hard for Germans to understand and I’m often told stories of how they’ve felt slighted or stood up because this was said to them but the corresponding invitation never came.

When I first came to Germany I ended up having coffee with a lot of people I really wasn’t too interested in hanging out with because I went around suggesting and agreeing to coffee dates and then was astounded when everyone persistently followed through. When I tried to get out of it, I was sternly informed by Oliver that I was going to have to make good on all these offers if I didn’t want to offend everyone and as an American abroad I should know better than to write checks my butt couldn’t cash.

So I went out for coffee. A lot.

These kinds of things are why Germans often say that they find Americans insincere. We think we’re being nice; they think we’re being totally rude and offensive. We think they are being rude and even a little mean; they feel they’re being sincere and honest.

This all just takes some getting used to.

And once you figure out this body language and cultural issue, it’s time to master effective communication. Yes, there’s more to it. I’ll tell you how next.

Postcard from Sylt, originally uploaded by meganinmunich.

Just came back from a lovely, blustery few days on Sylt, a small island just off the coast of Germany in the North Sea.

As a former San Franciscan, I love the combination of cold beaches, rainy weather and salty air. If only they had fog, it’d be perfect.

For those who can read German, Spiegel posted an article about Sylt in the Fall.

(My) Expat Guide to a Happy Transition (beta v 1.2)

Part five of 10 ( + 2) bits of advice on how to survive the transition to life abroad without going postal.

Here’s a short but important one: Sure, you’re aware of the fact that by moving abroad you’re leaving behind a country, a culture and a language.  But if you’re part of an international couple moving from one’s familiar turf to the natural habitat of the other half, there may be something else lost in the transition that you haven’t considered yet, but should be prepared for…

5. Be aware of the shift in power.

For international couples, where one is a native and one is the non-fluent foreigner, the latter is going to feel the pinch of some lost independence. If you’re the native, calling the electric company is going to be a hell of a lot easier and quicker for you and a huge undertaking for them. You’ll understand the menu immediately at the restaurant, while for them it’s an incomprehensible jumble they have to ask you to translate. Sometimes it will feel like you have all the answers and they have only questions. They may have to lean on you a bit more than they’re used to at the beginning (or a lot). This can mean some unbalanced responsibilities between you and a lot of frustration on both sides if you’re not aware of it and agree beforehand on how you’re going to deal with it. I’d recommend getting that topic out in the open and dealt with before you’re right in the middle of it.

And not only are you not able to swiftly take the phone company to task for a mistake on the bill without having your partner step in as interpreter, your witty cocktail conversational skills seem to have taken a huge hit as well. Before you start asking yourself: What’s wrong with me? Why am I having such a hard time connecting to the Germans? Consider this important cultural difference… (coming next.)

Just for the record, I’m a consumer of more than just wine and too much food. I like stuff, all kinds of stuff.

Since others may like some of that stuff too, I make lists of stuff I like over here. I also park links to them under the tab at the top of the page entitled “I Love Stuff“. (It should be clear how I feel about this stuff by now.)

My latest list is about my favorite options for traditional Bavarian outfits (click on the image below to view). I have three dirndls and I’m feeling about ready for a new one. This could have something to do with the fact that we’re in the middle of Oktoberfest and there are dirndls afoot everywhere.

Admit it girls, you want one.

I wasn’t so sure about dirndls when I first came over. I saw them as a little sexist, but then I relaxed and turned down my overactive feminist radar left over from my college days and saw them for what they are: sexy-yet-strangely-wholesome traditional outfits that show off most women to their best advantage. That’s actually quite remarkable. You can’t say that about most clothes.

Some foreigners I know are hesitant to wear them because they didn’t grow up in the culture. For what it’s worth, a large majority of the people living in Munich are from somewhere else, either from somewhere other than Bavaria or from outside the country. If you took a survey of people under 45, I think you would find that a most of them own a dirndl or lederhosen for Oktoberfest, if for no other reason. A friend of mine went with her office last week, about half of them had bought their outfit within the previous 3 days, but all of them were dressed the part.

As for you other expats out there living in Bavaria, do you have a dirndl or lederhosen? Thinking about it? Well, there’s still another 10 days of Oktoberfest to go, so it’s not too late get geared up properly for the Wies’n. Or you can get an early head start on next year…

More lists on other topics are under the “I Love Stuff” tab at the top of this page. Oh and Jen, there’s a list coming soon – super late – but especially for you baby-mamas out there.

(My) Expat Guide to a Happy Transition (beta v 1.2)

Part four of 10 ( + 2) bits of advice on how to survive the transition to life abroad without losing your friggen mind.

So now you’ve made the decision. You’re going for it and heading overseas without a job. But you’re not worried because you’re a rock star and you’re sure to find something, right? Well, maybe. But if you’re not in the right profession and you can’t speak the language, it won’t be your English skills so much as your patience and perseverance that will get you there.

4. Be patient, network, and make good use of your downtime by learning some language.

If you’re moving yourself abroad a bit of patience and determination is needed in looking for a job. In general, having an international background can be an edge for some companies, depending on their focus, but being an English speaker does not roll out the red carpet. Unless you’re being recruited or you’re lucky enough that the company of your spouse will try and employ you, getting an interview before you arrive is pretty tough. Hiring foreigners is  a pain in the ass for employers; interviewing foreigners from abroad is something few will bother to do unless you really are a rock star of some magnitude.

Most likely then your plan is to start looking once you’ve arrived. My advice here is not to just send out resumes and wait. Network. Get out there and meet people, interact, learn the language and get a feel for the culture. You’re going to want to be shy. Don’t be. A body in motion is a more attractive hire than a butt sitting at home. And you have some time to kill.

All of my employment happened through contacts I built up over the years. The best ones stem from an internship I did at a PR firm, which I did just to improve my German and get myself out of the apartment and back into the workforce. But first I spent some time learning the language.

You will need to do this.

I suggest killing two birds by enrolling in a language school frequented by expat workers from larger companies. You should also join professional and expat groups where you can network. If you don’t think you’ll have enough time to make language school worth the investment, consider this: depending on your level, the hiring process can take upwards of 3 – 6 months in the best economic conditions; it is slower than in the US so you shouldn’t allow it to frustrate you too much.

Make that wait time work for you and come prepared for the wait, both emotionally and financially.

The importance of patience can’t be over emphasized. And if you’re in an international couple moving from your familiar home turf to your spouse’s, there’s another area where you’re going to need keep your patience and your perspective… Coming up: Watch your pants, the power may be shifting a little.

It’s 3am and I know where my head should be: on my pillow. Well, it’s not.

These last few nights it has been a struggle to stay up late enough to get ourselves back into normal sleep patterns.  We got back on Sunday morning and should have been in good shape. Our business class upgrade (with miles of course) netted us cushy sleep couches and an opportunity for Oliver to show me his new favorite place on Earth: The Frankfurt Lufthansa Welcome Lounge.

People, if you have the status or at least a business class ticket and are landing in Frankfurt before 12:30, get yourselves over there.

It was heaven. We walked in and were assigned shower suites . We went down a level,  into a spa-like atmosphere fitting for a five star hotel, walked into our cabins and what followed after for the next 45 minutes was just lovely.  Waterfall shower head, dressing room area, complementary L’Occitane toiletries, fluffy towels, hairdryer, ironing service, everything you need to fresh-up and feel human again. And once you’re done there’s a big, beautiful, spacious, and most of all quiet, lounge with big leather armchairs, lots of space to spread out, and a bistro with a pretty impressive spread of food and drinks to choose from. Sitting there, all clean, having breakfast with Oliver, clothes freshly pressed, it was pretty invigorating.

Well somehow we went and ruined it because almost every night we’re awake at 4, or rather Oliver wakes up at 4 and tosses and turnes until I join him. Today he’s on a business trip (and probably awake by now). I’m still waiting to go back to bed. I nodded off in front of the TV at 7, woke up at 12, and here I am…

Ok, I’m off to stare at the ceiling.

**Lounge pictures taken from a recent post from another traveller, his take on the experience is here.