That settles that question

Now it’s official that I’m never having kids.

The very last German name that my parents had a chance of pronouncing correctly has been taken. I knew I wouldn’t be able to catch up in this race (nor did I want now, for the record) once Tessa got the headstart but today she crossed the finish line and plunked out Oskar.

Now all I’ve got left to work with are names like Joerg, Hansel, Adolf and Hanno. All are either: inpronounceable to the American tongue, cliche, taboo or highly unlikely to get the kid laid later in life and while that’s not important now people it IS important some day.

This is what I tried to tell a baby-hungry friend who wants to name her son Otto. Now she told me promptly to go to hell, but I think I have a pretty valid point. When you name your kid, keep in mind the various situations when that name is going to be spoken.

I think Billy Crystal put it best in ‘When Harry met Sally’ when he said (something like):

“You did not have great sex with Sheldon. Sheldon is the name of the guy who does your taxes.”

Now taxes are pretty personal but Stanley is not the name you imagine saying in other more intimate situations. Just doesn’t work.

If that kid is lucky he’ll get off easy with comparisons to living room furniture. But it’s more likely that he’ll get tormented and shunned to the point of climbing a clock tower with something automatic.

Of course this scenario is valid only if he’s born in the USA. Bring that kid here and his name will only be a bit boring like George but nothing traumatic.

No promises for sex but at least in Germany he may still be able to pay for it with a name like that.

Ottos have little chance for survival in the US, they get stamped out young.

Yes, many may say that Oskar isn’t so hot of a name but I think it’s got distinction. And it is one of the few names that sounds pretty much the same in English and German AND is used in both languages. Trust me I know, I’ve been paying attention.

At least I can still use it for a cat. (… actually Otto isn’t bad as a cat’s name either.)

Anyway congratulations to Sierk and Tessa or should I say Tessa and Sierk since she’s done the work today. Good luck guys, hope you enjoy not sleeping for the next few years!

…and Sierk, I’m real curious how long you’ll be able to keep the sportscar! Just remember: our gently used VW Passat already has the baby seats built in and it’s ready to trade at any time!


One response to “That settles that question

  1. I think you waaaay toooo unfairly describe your parents’ ability to pronounce things German. In fact, I am told your father is particularly good at saying (in German), “Please write it down.”