New Loo

Once upon a time, in a land right in the middle of Europe, a couple moved into their first apartment. It was tinier than they first had thought and much weirder than it seemed at first glance, but it was theirs and theirs alone.

Now this apartment presented some challenges to the couple’s ingenuity and creativity. For starters, other than a tiny, door-less broom closet, there was no storage space. The rooms were so small they didn’t have space for wardrobes or dressers. In fact, the rooms were so funny-shaped there was little room for any furniture at all.

But towels still needed a place to stack and toiletries needed a place to gather dust and knick knacks needed a place to…knack.

But where? How?

Ikea of course, that Swedish knight in easy-to-assemble armor came to the rescue with affordable solutions in tasteful modern designs, and recycled packaging.

They found shelves for the living room, boxes for under the beds and as they approached the bathroom they were happily chanting ‘Billy, Billy’ under their breath. This happy moment was to last only as long as the 50 cent hotdog.

It all went to shit in the bathroom when it came time to hang shelves over the toilet. The damsel’s arms got tired holding the fucking shelf up while the gallant and overly precise German pondered the art of hole placement. After moving the shelf ‘a little higher and a little lower and a little to the left’ about a million times her arms gave out.

The shelf fell. The bar the shelf would hang from fell out. It crashed onto the toilet.


Upon inspection they found a pie shaped piece had been knocked out of the inner lip of the bowl. They decided to do nothing and see what happened. Perhaps a miracle would happen and it would heal.

For the next two years they watched a crack grow from the tip of the pie, out of the bowl, down the side and around the base of the toilet. It was their secret worry and secret shame. In a land where every person scrubs away trackmarks with a brush and men sit to pee, the toilet and its cleanliness are sacrosanct.

The damsel dreaded what would happen when the crack completed its circular trip. Every time guests came over the couple wondered if this would be the moment the toilet gave out. Every time she heard a strange sound, she wondered what sort of cuts and wounds could be left by porcelain.

Finally after two years, shortly before the crack was to complete its journey, they ordered a new one. Today, finally the broken toilet has been replaced and a new – virgin potty – is in its place.

A fresh throne.

Excuse me…..


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